No, no, please, no.
Her eyes were on him, draining his sanity, speaking to him without words yes, you did that, you did that to our child. To me. To us. He was standing but he could not feel his legs. He was looking at her, but the tears in his eyes blurred her face. Numbness took over his whole body, no matter how many words were running through his head, none found their way out. They seemed to have continued the conversation and he just stood there as if he were Unsullied.
The priestess continued “Were the other three children from the same man? Who was he?”
“Two were… just a sellsword.” Considering the way the sellsword by the name of Daario spoke to her, it had to be him. At least he wasn’t here for this conversation.
The priestess walked close to Dany “Can’t you see it, my Queen? You are able to be with a child, but the father’s blood is what’s killing them.” She placed her hand on Danys chin “Don’t you understand? Look at you. You, Valyrians, are more godly than human.” She leaned closer, examining Dany’s face like she was trying too hard to stumble upon a flaw.
I killed my own child.
Dany seemed uninterested, moving away from the priestesses hand. Was she looking at him? “Trust me, a knife through the heart kills us just as fast.”
I killed her and I killed my own child.
The red women ignored that “You can carry a child if the father is of a Valyrian blood.” He wished he could read her mind, or even just her face. But this was Daenerys. She was and always will be a mystery to him.
“I have no desire of bringing a child into this world anymore.” She turned around staring outside again implying the end of this conversation.
I killed my own child.
Silence filled the room, causing Jon’s mind to overflow with thoughts. Each darker than the previous. If he wasn’t sure before, Jon Snow now knew. Standing right there now, holding his dagger aimed at the heart of this woman, he wouldn’t dare plunging it in. But even with sorcery and dragons in the world, no one ever had successfully altered the past. It will be the thing he regrets the most till the day he dies. The thing he has to learn to live with. He killed his own child after all.
“What did you see?” The priestess saved him from his own thoughts.
Dany turned her head back, frowning her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
“When you died, where did you go? What did you see?”
The wind blew, wavering her light dress into the air as she turned and her silvery locks of hair mimicked it’s movement. They truly do resemble the Gods. Her beauty so effortless, so pure, it was hard to look away. She took a few short moments just gazing at the priestess before she spoke “My husband…” the corner of her lips curved into a slight smile “... and our child.”
I killed my own child.
The priestess, nodding, seemed pleased with the answer. After exchanging a few further kind sentences between them, the red women left them… alone. Her gaze over the city, she might not have even noticed he was still there. She was physically present but lost in her own thoughts, as if her mind had flown away to someplace else. The last thing that priestess told her, seemed to have upset her. He was not going to miss this chance though. He stood right beside her, his gaze joining hers across the thousands of small houses under them. The view was indeed breathtaking.
“You lied to her.” She remained silent so he decided to continue “You lied to her about seeing your husband and child, didn’t you?” He had not yet gathered the strength to ask about their child. “Why?”
“Because she was afraid… and she shouldn’t be. Nothing isn’t scary. Nothing is… nothing.” she answered, her gaze getting lost into the distance of the endless blue skies.
“Compared to a wonderful life, nothing could be scary.” Jon unwrapped his belt and lowered it on the floor. He should clean that. The blood on Longclaw was drying up and the drier it got, the harder it would be to get rid of. The dagger caught his sight. The dagger that killed his child. The haze had not left him yet. He could move, he could talk, but nothing seemed real. It was as if being stuck in a dream. It wasn’t even a nightmare, but just a numb dream.
I killed my own child.
“I wouldn’t know.” she smiled, her eyes running over the contour lines of her city. Dany was smiling… a sarcastic smile but a smile nonetheless. It had to be a dream. That conclusion made him bolder, providing strength to turn his body to her and face his fear. His heartbeats so hectic, he could feel the warm blood pulsing through his veins.
“Why didn’t you tell me, Dany?” She met his eyes but did not answer, her face revealed painful thoughts as if she was fighting back the emotions, the tears. He hated that he was the reason for all that pain she held inside, he hated reminding her of it, but he had to know. However, maybe thrusting that dagger in her heart meant losing the right to know.
I killed my own child.
“I was going to tell you, but you killed me before I could.” When she narrowed her eyes, he could feel the hatred in her stare she intentionally left readable, disgust even. He dared not talk. Turning to him now, her face revealed no further emotion, Jon could read. Nothing new. “I saw it… I saw it into your eyes after Tyrion was escorted to his cell. I saw it so clearly… and I ignored it. The truth of it was too much to face so I chose not to. I knew what I had to do right there, on top of those stairs, after my speech. I knew killing you would mean my survival and yet… I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t, nor wanted to imagine a world without you in it. And not only because you were the father of my child. No. You were the only thing that resembled hope, I put my last shred of happiness into your hands… There he is…” She lifted her hand pointing towards him and ran her eyes all over him, making sure he understood what he had destroyed, until finally, they went on to meet his. “… there is my hope, there is my future, and he puts a knife into my heart. Doing what I couldn’t. Tell me Jon… how easy was it? …ending my life?...”
What followed happened in a blur. From the moment she yelled his name to the moment he was holding the sharp edge against his throat. How did he turn around in time to avoid Daarios attack, how he found time to grab Longclaw off the floor, how he managed to parry each of Daarios fast blows, how he overpowered him, forcing him to his knees, how he resisted the urge to cut someone’s throat with all that anger inside him, he will never know. Had Dany not yelled Daarios name, Jon would have been painting the ivory travertine tiles in red right about now. The sharpness of the Valyrian steel cut Daarios skin. “Let him go.” He needed not to see her, the chilliness in her voice was enough to make him obey.
“He is the one who killed you and you have been keeping him by your side all this time!?” Daario stood up and towered over him. He might have been taller, but Jon was faster. Uninterested to continue the fight, Jon wiped the blood off Longclaw of the loser’s sleeve and took a step back. It was then when he felt it. A shock of pain traveled through his whole body when he shifted his weight on the left leg. His breeches bloody, he bent down, ripped them apart. The source of bleeding was a deep cut from a dagger in his upper thigh. He hadn’t even felt it… Daario kissed the hilt of his dagger in the shape of a naked woman’s body. Perhaps his assumption regarding Daarios speed was wrong.
I killed my own child.
Dany just stood there still until she finally walked a few quiet steps forward, closing the gap between them, her face full of pain and regret… pain even Daenerys Targaryen could not conceal. He had wrecked this woman’s heart beyond amend. He wrecked her so ruthlessly that made her doubt his love for her. This girl had no idea he loved her… The sunlight sneaked between the decorations of the iron door and fell on her face, amplifying the pain in the amethysts of her eyes. “You should leave this city, Jon.”
The seriousness of her voice told him there was nothing left for him here. Whatever reason he had before about staying by her side, mattered no more. All those things she told him before Daario dishonorably tried to stab him in the back, hurt like no wounds his dagger could ever inflict. How was he so blind? He never even stopped for one second to think about how much she was hurting back then. For God’s sake, he never even asked how she was coping with the loss of Rhaegal or Misandei or Jorah. Yes, she was the strongest person he had ever met but even for her… it was just too much. Maybe all he had to do was carry half the pain she endured. She was all alone and he left her as well. Left her when she needed him most. And then you killed her… her and your child too, an angry voice echoed as if it were the Gods judging him. Why wouldn't she doubt his love for her? How does one forgive that?
What was he supposed to do now? Where was he supposed to go? His life lost all purpose, all meaning. Was he supposed to go back to the Wall and live the rest of his sad little life there? Maybe that’s exactly what he deserved. A queenslayer, a kinslayer, a filicide.
I killed my own child.
He nodded his head in agreement and without a word he turned around, walked out and never looked back.
The long tunnel seemed darker than usual, colder than usual. The wind must have blown the fire out on some of the torches. He would need to find a horse, a strong stallion. Another long ride was awaiting. A ride to Braavos and then he would sail to Castle Black from there. His Nan would often talk about the city of Braavos, it would be nice to put an image to the name. Yes, that’s what he will do before he goes back to rejoin his brothers. Or maybe he should go back to the Dothraki Sea and find Drogon. Dany had to stay and await the answer of the slavers but he was free to go.
Suddenly he felt something brush beside him as he was limping through the tunnel, and a gust of wind followed it, wavering the fires rapidly. Squinting his eyes in hopes to see in the darkness, he noticed the fires slowly turn into a blaze, burning brighter with each breath he took. Then, for even if just a heartbeat, her face revealed itself. In her red dress, Kinvara stood in his way, a few feet down the tunnel.
“You cannot leave her, Jon Snow. Soon she will require my help and you have to be beside her when she does. Bring her to me. You will know when it’s time.”
“I am not sure she would like that very much, perhaps you should speak with Daario.” The flames flickered, blinding him.
“He won’t be able to help her, she will need you.” The voice began fading as the red silhouette disappeared, leaving him alone in the darkness.
I killed my own child.
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